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       What are suicidal thoughts?  Suicidal thoughts can be fleeting or passive.   The feelings can build up over time or change from moment to moment.  It’s feeling like life has no meaning and that the world will be better off without you.  The act of suicide is intentionally taking your own life.  If you have endorsed suicidal thoughts, you might be unable to cope with the difficulties you are experiencing.  You may feel less like you want to die and more like you are tired of your current situation.   
     During my struggle with suicidal thoughts, I did not want to die.  I was emotionally drained.   Childhood experiences contributed to the onset of suicidal thoughts.   I was abandoned and rejected by my parents.  My introduction to feeling unloved and unwanted was gifted to me by maternal and paternal family members.  Some of my maternal relatives were angry because my grandparents had to assume responsibility for my parent’s irresponsibility.  Those displeased relatives projected their anger onto me.      
     My dad enters the picture and I began spending summers in Chicago.  Initially, I was received by paternal family members because I was a shiny new penny.   I was quiet, obedient and a pushover.  In my twenties, the new penny lost its shine.  A few of my paternal family members began taunting me as well.  Nevertheless, I refused to be pulled down to their level.  I stood firmly on “A soft answer turneth away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).   Being quiet did not put an end to their senseless taunting; it actually became worse throughout the years.   I could not control their behavior, but I could control how I responded.   
     Family is where you should feel safe, supported and encouraged.  Family is where I learned that I would never amount to anything.   I often asked God, “Why was I born?”  “Why do my parents and family members hate me?”   Because I did not know the answer, I did what anyone would do in order to escape pain….. I ran.  I joined the military which gave me a way of escape. From ages 13-52, I have struggled with suicidal thoughts off and on.  The thoughts were not daily, weekly, monthly or yearly.   The thoughts were triggered by emotional trauma or feelings of failure.  When family speaks negatively over your life, you tend to believe them.  Plus, I have failed at everything I have ever touched.  
     I have been married and divorced twice.   Every business venture I invested in has failed.  All I have ever wanted to do is write books; however, my first book sold less than one hundred copies.   I’m in a career that I loathe and my income is not reflective of a person with a graduate degree.   Regardless of a rough start, I still believe my latter years will be better than my former.  I’m still not successful by the world’s standards but there is no failure in God.   I may not have been born into a “perfect” family but I am adopted as a daughter of God (Ephesians 1:3-6).  I realized that the enemy wanted me to end my life before I recognized who I am in Christ.  There would be one less voice spreading the gospel of good news.   In October 2020, I endorsed my last suicidal thought.  I made the decision, “I will not die but live, and declare the works of the Lord” (Psalm 118:17).  The world will not be better off without me, it is better because of me.